@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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@dafloydsta: [bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
@LousyBastard: I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.
@KentWGraham: I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
@justabloodygame: "Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!" The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.