@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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@SoVeryBritish: “I wouldn’t worry if I were you” - Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
@TheAlexNevil: Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes? Baker: But of course! When do you need it by? M: No, I'll just eat it here.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night. Coworker: Wasn't the building alarmed? Me: Buildings don't get scared. CW.....