@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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@david8hughes: "Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?"
@Sean_Burgundy_: The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
@MartaEffing: My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the market buying cereal and I thought, 'I agree with his priorities.'
@johnlevenstein: My goal when I go to a friend's house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.