@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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@robfee: Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Is this InkJet any good?" "Sure – we've sold it to royalty" "Princesses?" "Mate, it prints ALL the letters"
@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure