5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.