5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys