[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.