50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.