50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
You Might Also Like
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind