I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.