* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’