@salamingia: $50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.
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@mattytalks: Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
@TheBeerGuy73: Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all. Then I thought of you.
@BuckyIsotope: Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies? Me: That’s an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4