’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My whole life was a lie.
Cheers Twitter.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.