50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Can’t, holding a grudge
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun