50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Happy Star Wars day!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
What do you hear?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.