50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right