50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
first you must answer his riddles
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…