@Rollinintheseat: [blind date] Him: "I'm a big Beethoven fan." ME *trying to impress him* "Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed."

@Token_Geezer: There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

@isabelzawtun: Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won't like it

@purplefuzzygirl: Men love when you kiss their neck.. Just not when they're driving And you're in the backseat. And they don't know you. Apparently.

@ozzyunc: It's 2080. Every living human is named Taylor. Dogs are the size of hamsters. The iPhone 47 is the size of a parachute. Weed is mandatory.