50 shades of grey = my Liver
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.