@MattRundle: '50 Shades of Grey' taught me how to please a woman. It's by writing a shitty book.
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@spcycucumber: Its not what it looks like officer! "you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n'sync" Ok I guess it was what it looked like
@FrogAvalanche: [Jesus plays hide-n-seek] Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let's play again. Harder this time. Find me now. [He ascends to Heaven]
@DaddyJew: Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign