’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.