50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The future is now.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Jesus Christ lmao
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.