@meisology: 50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You're Not Getting Laid
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@HatfieldAnne: When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then
@thenatewolf: Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle? Me: that obvious? Salesman: nobody asks "how loud is the vroom?" they ask "what's the vroomage?"
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone