50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
You Might Also Like
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
motivation
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses