No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?