Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
that wasn’t the question
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?