50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You Might Also Like
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Ron is short for Aaronald