50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Namaste
I am all good here, 😂😉
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!