50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
584.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google