[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.