[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.