@hipstermermaid: "500 Days of Summer" was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.
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@aidanjsears: *sees a car with a "how am i driving" bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it's with a steering wheel
@Xalqee: "If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave" - Me getting pulled over
@Fickle_Filly: The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"