Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.