“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Nice try, NASA
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
When your man makes a valid point