50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.