(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’m putting together a team
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.