@TFLN: (513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@kirkfox: Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I'd like to see the work I've done before it's violently ripped from my view. #life
@kumailn: Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one? Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE? Hostess: ... Me: ... Hostess: ... Me: Yes, one please.
@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.