[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods