Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Fiction has to make sense.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Good morning, Twitter x
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity