[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
You Might Also Like
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A short story of betrayal:
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?