People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Good dog. ❤️
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.