@Sassafrantz: 57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let's make fun of them! What's the worst that could hap..never mind.
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@NicestHippo: WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
@HispanicIcon: I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.
@botandy: 'we love the sea because it's where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago', I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
@MarcusOreally: Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy. Unless you're on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.