Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.