@KentWGraham: 59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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@1_swarthy_dude: [1st date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Her: "I'm a Herpetologist." Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I have NO drafts! Wife: *opens window* Me: ... Wife: *opens door* Me: ... Wife: That better? Me: I should have married your sister.
@Playing_Dad: [Job Interview] Boss: It says you are a great problem solver Me: Yes B: Can you give me an example? Me: I'm hired B: *whispers* holy shit