59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.