5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here