@LurkAtHomeMom: 5's friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I'm already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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@pitbull_wizard: [blind date is waiting nervously at the table] *I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
@torrami: Doughnut boxes advertise "ZERO TRANS FAT" as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@realHamOnWry: Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets. Well, there goes the neighborhood.
@saucy_peaches: Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married