5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.