5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating