5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Feels like the fourth month in January
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
your elf on the shelf was delicious
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying