5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”