My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school