My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
You Might Also Like
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder