I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?