[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I am, perchance
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.