5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
You Might Also Like
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap