5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
For the orator and chef in all of us
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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