Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.